Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

I'm telling you ladies, look here at the script! this is the part of the movie where you both make out with me!

PG?

Cary Grant, Josephine Hull, Jean Adair, Priscilla Lane, Raymond Massey

Mortimer: Look, I probably should’ve told you this before, but…you see…insanity runs in my family.  It practically gallops!

Mortimer Brewster (Grant) has just gotten married and is about to embark on his honeymoon when he discovers that his two quiet, lovable aunts are actually responsible for 12 murders.  They consider them charitable murders, but Mortimer doesn’t see it that way.  As he’s trying to figure out what to do, the situation is complicated by the arrival of Mortimer’s brother, Jonathan (Massey), who himself is responsible for some murders of his own.

This is a busy, complicated movie with a lot of characters going here and there, mostly on one set.  What’s that ya say?  Why yes, it IS based on a hit Broadway play.

Cary Grant is entertaining as always, and the story is fairly funny and interesting, mainly due to the performances of Josephine Hull and Jean Adair as aunts Abby and Martha respectively.  They play it all completely straight, never wavering from the conviction that their actions are entirely understandable, and even kind in a way.

The only problems I had with the movie was that it was a tad bit overlong, some of the situations seem to repeat themselves, and the tone isn’t always successfully in the dark humor category.  It just felt a little uneven going from dark comedy to silly comedy and then to straight up drama.

Regardless, it’s still witty and entertaining for the most part.  It just could have benefited (as far as my enjoyment of it goes) from losing a few repetitive scenes here and there.

Old women are crafty and not to be trusted.

10 – 1 for being a bit overlong and repetitive – .8 for some tonal oddities – 1.3 because it wasn’t consistently funny enough for a comedy = 6.9

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

one of the quieter moments in the movie...

PG-13

Channing Tatum, Dennis Quaid, Sienna Miller, Marlon Wayans, Rachel Nichols, Christopher Eccleston

Duke: What about you?
Scarlett: He doesn’t speak.
Duke: Why?
Breaker: He doesn’t say.

A group of specially trained soldiers, with high tech weaponry at their disposal, attempt to recover a case of nano-technology warheads from the evil Cobra organization.  Lots of things explode in the process.

I suppose I knew what I was getting into when I sat down to watch this one, but I was hoping it would be more tolerable than it was.   I thought it would at least be fun to see the toys I played with as a kid on display.  Unfortunately, most of the machinery in the movie doesn’t resemble anything I had as a kid, plus it’s all so obviously computer animated that I may as well have been watching a cartoon.

The movie is simultaneously more and less realistic than it needs to be.  More realistic in the sense that they use more real jeeps, tanks, helicopters, and planes than they should – as opposed to the ones featured in the line of toys.  Less realistic in the sense that the other technology is so advanced that it almost seems like you’re watching Star Trek at times.  Plus, as I mentioned, there’s way too much computer animated stuff.  I felt like I had accidentally popped in an X-Men DVD by mistake.  Everybody jumps around like they’re superheros.

That stuff could probably be somewhat overlooked if it weren’t for the fact that the characters are just deadly dull.  Their story lines are unoriginal, the dialogue is stiff, and the acting is uninspired.  Basically, the movie was made so that they could slap the title G.I. JOE on it.

Way to go Hollywood, yet another blown opportunity to make an enjoyable movie out of a nice childhood memory.  Instead we’re stuck with one more hyper-edited, over-loud, heartless display of special effects.  Just what we all needed…

The G.I. Joe soldiers are apparently SO good and unbeatable that they’re only called in when the regular army fails.  ‘Cause, ya know, you wouldn’t want to use them from the get-go and preserve the lives of those other regular soldiers…

10 – 2.1 for boring characters and acting – 1 for not using enough of the toys in the movie – 1.2 for being overlong and over loud – 1 for too much computer animation = 4.7

Land of the Lost (2009)

wooow...that dinosaur almost kind of looks somewhat realistic...in a way.

PG-13

Will Ferrell, Anna Friel, Danny McBride

Matt Lauer: You’ve spent 50 million dollars of your own money studying time warps??
Rick: No…that’s adorable.  No, tax payer’s money.  I don’t have 50 million dollars.

Dr. Rick Marshall (Ferrell) has invented the tachyon amplifier, which allows him to travel sideways in time to another dimension.  Along for the ride is Holly Cantrell (Friel) and Will Stanton (McBride), the owner of a little souvenir shop next to the legendary cave that the three encounter a time portal in.

I knew going in that this wasn’t a very well received movie, so I was prepared for the worst, and while I can’t say I was pleasantly surprised, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be.  It was just kind of…there.  Not particularly funny, but not painfully unfunny.  I laughed a few times, and generally smiled enough to make it watchable.  Of course, Anna Friel being in it helped.

The character of Chaka is one I could have done without.  Just plain old unfunny.  And how does Holly speak his language so easily?

I guess I’m in the camp that is not annoyed by Will Ferrell.  I don’t think he’s all that hilarious, but he doesn’t bother me.  He’s usually at his most amusing in subtle ways.  Ya know, subtle…like when he’s pouring dinosaur urine all over himself to disguise his scent.  Actually, that is a humorous scene, but it goes on too long.

That’s kind of the story of the whole movie.  The gags are dragged out too long, probably because they didn’t have enough funny stuff written.  So, let’s just drag out what we do have!  It’s a thin concept and a thin story, stretched out over 102 minutes.  It wants to be a big, exciting adventure, but when the T-Rex isn’t around, it’s fairly boring.

When in an alternate dimension, don’t taunt the dinosaurs.

10 – 2.1 for a thin, predictable story – 1 for that annoying Chaka character – 1.4 for not being funny enough = 5.5

Expired (2007)

you were SO good in Speed 2...

R

Samantha Morton, Jason Patric, Teri Garr

Jay: Alright, I’ve got a lot of stuff I need to do before work tomorrow.
Claire: Oh…
Jay: Is that allowed??
Claire: No, it’s fine…um…it’s been great.  I wasn’t expecting anything anyway.
Jay: Well, good.  Just keep it that way, we’ll get along just fine.

Two parking enforcement officers, Claire (Morton) and Jay (Patric), meet and develop an awkward attraction to each other.  Claire is meek and reserved, while Jay can be insulting and tends to have angry outbursts at the citizens who complain about him giving them a ticket.  The two struggle as Claire won’t stand up to Jay’s verbal abuse, and Jay can’t deal with his growing attraction to Claire.

Yeah, not a lot going on here.  Not that there has to be a lot of plotting, but maybe some character growth wouldn’t hurt the movie.  It’s basically an hour and a half of Jason Patric being a jerk and Samantha Morton just taking it in stride.  Morton is likable in just about everything I’ve seen her in, and she’s almost too likable here.  But I guess it would take someone this impossibly nice and meek to put up with a jerk like Jay.

While I did laugh, at times, at Jay’s unbelievably insulting comments, I had to imagine that if I saw a relationship like this in real life, it would make me sick.  Perhaps that’s the point, and that’s the joke, but…it wasn’t funny enough.  It just ends up not being very enjoyable to watch.  It reminded me a bit of the movie Eagle vs. Shark, with one character constantly putting down a much nicer character.  That movie had more interesting stuff in it, though.  This movie was watchable, but just sort of…blah.

It’s not a bad movie, but it’s not pleasant or interesting enough to really recommend.  Unless you really love Samantha Morton.  Or maybe if you hate her as well because you get to watch her being insulted for most of the movie.

Parking tickets are not about enforcing the law or public safety.  They’re about making money.

10 – 3 for the general unpleasantness of the relationship – 1 for little to no character growth – .5 for seeming overlong = 5.5

Ink (2009)

it's not easy coming up with new dreams for people every night...I'll have to get creative...how about a shark with an elephant face...yeah, that'll work!

R

Chris Kelly, Jessica Duffy, Quinn Hunchar

Shelly: You were so cute.
John: I was so nervous…
Shelly: Why?
John: I don’t know.  I guess I was humbled by you.

I will try to sum this up best as I can.  There is another dimension that we cannot see, where rival beings exist.  The Storytellers give us happy dreams and pleasant thoughts, while the Incubus give us nightmares and sometimes shadow us in our waking lives, continuing to make us prideful, arrogant, and ultimately miserable.  When a little girl, Emma (Hunchar), falls into a coma and has her spirit taken prisoner by Ink, a deformed being who longs to become an Incubus, a group of Storytellers try to rescue her.  Their only hope is to get Emma’s father John (Kelly), a widower, to care about Emma again and visit her in the hospital.

There’s even more going on here than I mentioned above, but believe it or not, it all comes together in the end.  This is a low budget movie that strives to look like it has a bigger budget than it does.  It looks cheap and has some suspect acting all around, but the story is so darned moving that I couldn’t help but be reduced to tears by the end of it.  (No shame!)

Using my method of describing movies by comparing them to other movies, I’d say this is like a combination of The Matrix, The Cell, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  We spend a lot of time inside the character’s heads during their dreams.  So much so that it’s hard to know the difference sometimes.  In fact, that’s one of the problems I had with the movie.  Everything is shot (or processed) in a weird, dreamy sort of way that grows tiresome pretty quickly.  I can’t help but think that this movie would be MUCH better if it were remade with a bigger budget and better cinematography.  Oh, and better actors.  The line deliveries are pretty painful at times.  Though, I’d have to say that little Quinn Hunchar, as Emma, might be the best actor in the movie.

If you can get past that, though, you might enjoy a very touching, redemptive story about a man who used to be a caring, good natured father, but lost himself after his wife was killed in an accident.  He became so detached that his daughter was taken away and given to her grandparents.  So, John immersed himself in his job and became a business god.  At least in his own eyes.  But to save his daughter, he’s going to have to be torn down again.

I know it all sounds convoluted and confusing, and it was for the first third or even half of its running time, but that made the eventual resolution even more satisfying, in my opinion.  Got to give writer/director Jamin Winans credit in that area, even if the directing wasn’t up to par with the story.

This one surprised me.  I had almost given up on it due to the cheap look and the confusing plot, but I’m glad I stayed with it.  The pay off in the end was worth it.

Over-editing and too much dreamy atmosphere can not make up for a low budget and sub-par actors.  But a good story can!

10 – 1.5 for the cheap look and atmosphere – 1.5 for the mostly poor acting + .3 for the moving ending = 7.3

Obsessed (2009)

hold up everybody, I just got an email from my agent...he may have found me a better role.

PG-13

Idris Elba, Ali Larter, Beyonce Knowles

Sharon: You came into my house, you touched my child…you think you’re crazy!?  I’ll show you crazy!  Just try me, b****!!

Derek (Elba) is happy and successful both at work and in his personal life.  He’s happily married to Sharon (Knowles), and they have a young son together.  What could possibly go wrong?  Well, a crazy temp could start working in Derek’s office, and this crazy temp, Lisa (Larter), could become obsessed with stealing Derek away from his wife.  That wouldn’t be much fun.

I have a theory about how this movie came into being.  I think a bunch of executives were sitting around thinking about what two actresses they wanted to see fight/wrestle each other.  Since Beyonce is everywhere, her name came up pretty quick.  Somebody else was a fan of the show Heroes, so Ali Larter’s name was thrown into the mix.  Eventually those were the two that were settled on, and they began trying to build a movie around that one fight scene.

Preposterous?  Well then maybe you haven’t seen the movie.  There’s not much else to it.  The plot progresses exactly as one would expect, so there’s really no reason to discuss the specifics further.

Idris Elba (and maybe Ali Larter as well) is too good for this kind of trash.  He has a good presence on screen and should be playing parts with much more substance.  Beyonce isn’t too bad, but she’s mostly there to act annoyed with Derek and then fight Lisa.

I will say this for the movie, it’s a borderline guilty pleasure sort of film.  The leads are all attractive, the dialogue is energetic, even when stupid, and then there’s the big fight at the end.  You might get a kick out of it, even if afterward you realize you never want to see it again.

Never trust a temp.

10 – 4.5 for being so predictable and standard and stupid – .5 for too much irrational, idiotic behavior from the characters = 5.0

Mozart and the Whale (2005)

in case you were wondering about the title of the movie...

PG-13

Josh Hartnett, Radha Mitchell

Donald: It’s nice to obsess on something beautiful for a change.

Donald (Hartnett) is a high-functioning sufferer of Asperger’s Syndrome who has organized a regular group meeting with other people who have behavioral issues.  When Isabelle (Mitchell) joins the group, she and Donald begin a relationship.  Unfortunately, their conditions make it hard for them to find much success in romance.

This is one of those rare cases where something actually looks worse on paper than it does in reality.  Josh Hartnett…having to convincingly play an Asperger’s sufferer…in a romantic comedy.  Yikes.

But it’s not as bad as you’d think.  Not that it’s particularly good, but Hartnett and Mitchell both do an acceptable job.  The problem is the script.  The dramatic turns are too contrived and predictable.  They meet, are attracted to each other, he’s unsure of things and she has to be the pixie that draws him out of his shell and into a relationship.  Then they have troubles, but muscle past those problems.  Soon enough, though, there’s a bigger fight which results in a breakup.  Can he change and win her back?  Will she be able to get past her own issues and allow him back in her life?  Gee, I wonder…

Take away the mental disorder aspect of the movie and you’ve got nothing but a supremely dull romantic comedy.  Why not write a more interesting story line for these characters to follow.  They’re likable, for the most part, so why not have them get together and then face a challenge together?  Why the lazy relationship problems plot?

There are enough amusing and sweet moments that a better story could have lifted this movie to a higher level.  As it is, though, the amusing and sweet moments are the only good things in the movie.  Well, that and the two lead performances, though Radha Mitchell started to wear on my nerves about the 100th time she did her “HA!!” laugh.  Did nobody involved realize how annoying that is?

Asperger’s patients need love too…?

10 – 3.5 for having such a by the numbers plot – .4 for some annoying supporting performances = 6.1

Bubble (2005)

got my 2-D goggles on, and I'm ready to watch the movie!

R

Debbie Doebereiner, Dustin Ashley, Misty Wilkins

Detective: So when you left, she was alive and everything was fine?
Jake: Well…I wouldn’t say everything was fine…but she seemed to breathe…and speak…and move about.

Martha (Doebereiner) and Kyle (Ashley) are friends who work at a doll making factory in a small town.  They have to work multiple jobs just to get by and don’t have much time for anything else.  Martha has to take care of her elderly father, and Kyle lives with his mother so he can save up as much money as he can.  When a new woman, Rose (Wilkins), starts working at the factory, she and Kyle become fast friends, leaving Martha feeling a bit jealous.  Soon, their lives will be shaken up further by a murder.

Ah, Steven Soderbergh, you do enjoy a good experiment now and then, eh?  I suppose I understand the thought process behind doing something so low budget, but the results are rarely enjoyable to watch.  Hiring non actors for every part in your movie is risky, and I don’t think it paid off here.  It’s funny how hard it is for people to sound natural when the camera starts rolling.  In some cases these first time actors succeed, but in many cases they do not.  I found that rather distracting.  And when there’s not much going on, story-wise, for the first half of the movie, there’s not much else to concentrate on besides the acting.

Once the story does pick up half way in, it does become somewhat interesting and a little bit creepy.  Though, by that time I was sick of watching these people and the dismal, depressing views of the small town they exist in.

It’s hard to discuss a movie like this because it all relies on one big story turn and one revelation at the end.  Otherwise it’s just a window into small town life and the sadness of the human condition.  Some people have to spend all their time working just so they can care for a family member or just so they won’t be living on the street.  Rose comes along and talks about breaking free of this town and this oppressive life, but…well…let’s just say she’s going to hit a pretty severe roadblock along the way.

I’m sure one could do an essay on the underlying themes in this movie, but that really doesn’t help with my enjoyment of it.  Since that’s what my ratings are all about, I can’t rate it very highly because I just didn’t have a very good time watching it.  Though, if you’re into deep analyzation of movies, you might get more out of it than I did.

Doll factories are kinda creepy.

10 – 2.5 for the low budget look and low budget acting – 1.6 for just being too boring for most of the running time + .1 because it picks up a bit at the end = 6.0

Quick update, for those who might care…

Due to being out of town for a day and computer problems upon my return, I’ve missed a few days posting reviews, but never fear, I still watched a movie each day!  It’ll just take a couple days to catch up with the reviews.  Let’s see, what did I watch…

- Bubble
- Mozart and the Whale
- Obsessed (hahahaha…)
- Ink

Um…yeah, that’s all.

Uncertainty (2008)

I'll give you a quarter if you can explain this movie to me...

R

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Lynn Collins

Bobby: Will we be people with a kid…or parents?

Two separate stories, involving the same couple, Bobby (Gordon-Levitt) and Kate (Collins), unfold simultaneously on July 4th.  One involves the couple finding a cell phone in a taxi and quickly discovering that some dangerous people want to get their hands on the phone.  The other story is a more mundane one about Bobby and Kate visiting Kate’s family for a holiday dinner.

Strange movie, this one.  It begins with Bobby and Kate standing on the Brooklyn bridge, discussing a big decision they need to make.  Bobby pulls out a coin, flips it, they look at the result, then go running off in opposite directions.  Bobby arrives at a green van, being driven by Kate, and the word GREEN is displayed on screen.  This is the green storyline, where the couple finds a lost dog on their way to meet up with Kate’s family.  Meanwhile, Kate gets to the other end of the bridge and hops into a taxi with, you guessed it, Bobby as a passenger already.  This is the YELLOW storyline.  Once in the taxi, they soon discover the mysterious cell phone which will lead to a world of trouble for them.

The obvious movie to compare this one to is Sliding Doors, but actually they seem quite different.  In Sliding Doors, there was one little moment, one brief delay that changed Gwenyth Paltrow’s life forever and sent the movie down two separate paths.  In this movie, I’m not sure that’s the case.  The decision at the beginning is a little ambiguous, though their is some mention of whether or not they’re going to go to Brooklyn or Manhattan.  Why that’s such a monumental decision, I’m not sure.  The green storyline has them on an obviously scheduled trip to Kate’s family’s house for dinner, but the yellow storyline doesn’t mention this at all.  It doesn’t seem as though the decision was to go to dinner or not.  Yeah, I was confused a bit.

Either way, it wouldn’t matter if the stories were more compelling, but while neither is bad, neither is great either.  Yellow is more exciting because their lives are at stake, but I was also a little dumbfounded at how stupid some of their decisions were.  Once you know someone is after you, and that they’re willing to kill in broad daylight to get what they want…ditch the cell phone!  Instead, they try to make some money off the situation.  To say they’re in over their heads is an understatement.  Though, it’s fun to see them try.

Back in the green time line, their biggest decision seems to be whether or not to tell Kate’s family that she’s pregnant.  Oh, and what to do with the lost dog they’ve found.  Yeah, the green story isn’t quite as high stakes as the yellow.

Both the leads do a good job, though JGL doesn’t really get to display as much of a range as he’s capable of.  Bobby’s very calm, cool, collected and…well, a little dull.  That kind of describes the whole movie actually.  Well put together, with some interesting views of New York, but also with a pervading sense of “so what?”

Don’t mess with guys with foreign accents and names like Dmitri.

10 – 3.1 for an overall blah, boring feeling – .2 because maybe I’m easily confused, but the beginning was confusing – .5 because the characters could have been more interesting = 6.2