Jaws 3 (1983)

Tags

Bess Armstrong, Dennis Quaid, Drama, Horror, Jaws 3, John Putch, Lea Thompson, Louis Gossett Jr., Movie, Simon MacCorkindale

what a shark might look like.

PG

Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Louis Gossett Jr., Simon MacCorkindale, Lea Thompson, John Putch

Mike: I’ll have my beeper beep your beeper.
Kathryn: I’ll have my beeper beep your beeper back.

A great white shark is captured inside the Sea World marine park which prompts its much larger mother to come looking for it…and she’s hungry.

I used to watch this movie all the time when I was a kid, but even then I knew it wasn’t very good.  The not-so-special effects were bad even for 1983, and the relatively low amount of on-screen kills was disappointing.  Since that’s what I was watching a Jaws movie for back then, the long scenes involving the Brody brothers and their romantic interests didn’t interest me much either.  Well, except for the fact that Lea Thompson was totally hot.

In my advancing age, though, and after having watched it at midnight on the 4th of July (or the 5th technically), I have come to realize that the best part about this movie is the characters.  They’re actually somewhat interesting and believable, and if they were surrounded by something that was even remotely exciting or well done, this would be a pretty darned good movie.

But they’re not.  They’re surrounded by some horrible effects, poorly staged action sequences, and some totally unnecessary 3-D scenes.  Of course, I never saw this in 3-D.  I’ve only seen the muddied images of the version that was on VHS and TV.  It looks absolutely terrible.  I suppose it’s remnants of the 3-D technology that have rendered the entire movie slightly blurry ever since.

Let’s see, what else is bad about this movie.  Oh, the dolphins!  Cindy and Sandy, I believe…?  Normally I like dolphins, but these two got on my nerves.  Or at least the constant references to them did.  Plus, they get to be part of one of the worst final freeze frames in movie history.

Dolphins won the Superbowl!!

Most of the action in this one takes place off screen, and instead they go for a few gross out moments with crabs and other slimy things crawling all over a dead body fished out of the ocean.  And speaking of the ocean, am I all geographically screwed up, or is it the movie that is mistaken?  I don’t seem to recall Orlando being on the coast of Florida at any point in my life, so how come Sea World opens right up to the ocean in this movie?  I’ve always been confused by that.

Obviously the Jaws series should have stopped after the first one.  Part 2 was tolerable (aside from that one girl who does nothing but scream for the final 3rd of the movie), but uncalled for.  Parts 3 and 4 are, as Gene Siskel said, trash.

Though, I have to admit, part 4 makes part 3 look like an all time classic…

Apparently sharks can propel themselves forward at a very high rate of speed without even moving their tail…

10 – 2 for terrible special effects – 2 for very little shark action on screen – 1 for just looking terrible – 1 for…I dunno, just sucking in general = 4.0

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Pandorum (2009)

Tags

Action, Antje Traue, Ben Foster, Cam Gigandet, Cung Le, Dennis Quaid, Eddie Rouse, Horror, Movie, Pandorum, Science Fiction

don't worry, I'll be alright...I'm the only female in the movie, they can't kill me off...

R

Ben Foster, Dennis Quaid, Antje Traue, Cam Gigandet, Cung Le, Eddie Rouse

Bower: What the hell are they?
Nadia: Never quite felt like sticking around to find out.  Running is the best option.

Bower (Foster) and Payton (Quaid) awake from cryosleep to find that the spaceship they’re traveling on seems to be having some problems.  The crew is nowhere in site and not much is working on board the ship.  As they try to figure out where, and when, they are, clues as to what happened to the ship start to be revealed.

Good idea, bad execution.  It happens a lot in movies, and it’s frustrating to watch.  This seems like lazy writing/film-making to me.  They take a good premise, that could lead to a lot of interesting, emotional content, and they turn it into a silly monster movie.  One that’s like every other monster/alien movie made since Alien.  In fact, the sets here look like something straight out of the Aliens movies.  Meanwhile, the creatures tormenting the crew are lifted straight out of The Descent (but with a few spikes thrown on to make them seem different).

There’s a lot of acrobatic fighting and people surviving things that they have no business surviving.  Blood, guts, dirt, grime, general ugliness…it’s all there.

“Pandorum” refers to sort of SPACE MADNESS that has affected at least one person on board – I’ll not spoil that for you – resulting in them creating the initial problems which doomed the ship.  I would have called it Alien Descent, since those are the two movies it borrows the most heavily from.

The performances are phoned in, but adequate for an action/horror movie, and the effects are decent.  The whole thing is so dark and ugly, though, that it’s hard to even tell what’s going on sometimes.

Again, an intriguing story is put on the back burner so we can concentrate on standard monster attacks and lots of shots of people walking around a dark spaceship.  Just go watch Aliens and The Descent back-to-back and you’ll get the same effect in a much more enjoyable package.

Before you go into cryosleep for a long time, write down any important facts you might need to know when you wake up because you will have to deal with some memory loss upon waking.

10 – 3.1 for the same old dull monster/action sequences we’ve seen many a time before – 1 because it’s just so dark and ugly – .7 for mostly phoned-in performances = 5.2

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Tags

Action, Channing Tatum, Christopher Eccleston, Dennis Quaid, Drama, Marlon Wayans, Movie, Rachel Nichols, Science Fiction, Sienna Miller

one of the quieter moments in the movie...

PG-13

Channing Tatum, Dennis Quaid, Sienna Miller, Marlon Wayans, Rachel Nichols, Christopher Eccleston

Duke: What about you?
Scarlett: He doesn’t speak.
Duke: Why?
Breaker: He doesn’t say.

A group of specially trained soldiers, with high tech weaponry at their disposal, attempt to recover a case of nano-technology warheads from the evil Cobra organization.  Lots of things explode in the process.

I suppose I knew what I was getting into when I sat down to watch this one, but I was hoping it would be more tolerable than it was.   I thought it would at least be fun to see the toys I played with as a kid on display.  Unfortunately, most of the machinery in the movie doesn’t resemble anything I had as a kid, plus it’s all so obviously computer animated that I may as well have been watching a cartoon.

The movie is simultaneously more and less realistic than it needs to be.  More realistic in the sense that they use more real jeeps, tanks, helicopters, and planes than they should – as opposed to the ones featured in the line of toys.  Less realistic in the sense that the other technology is so advanced that it almost seems like you’re watching Star Trek at times.  Plus, as I mentioned, there’s way too much computer animated stuff.  I felt like I had accidentally popped in an X-Men DVD by mistake.  Everybody jumps around like they’re superheros.

That stuff could probably be somewhat overlooked if it weren’t for the fact that the characters are just deadly dull.  Their story lines are unoriginal, the dialogue is stiff, and the acting is uninspired.  Basically, the movie was made so that they could slap the title G.I. JOE on it.

Way to go Hollywood, yet another blown opportunity to make an enjoyable movie out of a nice childhood memory.  Instead we’re stuck with one more hyper-edited, over-loud, heartless display of special effects.  Just what we all needed…

The G.I. Joe soldiers are apparently SO good and unbeatable that they’re only called in when the regular army fails.  ‘Cause, ya know, you wouldn’t want to use them from the get-go and preserve the lives of those other regular soldiers…

10 – 2.1 for boring characters and acting – 1 for not using enough of the toys in the movie – 1.2 for being overlong and over loud – 1 for too much computer animation = 4.7

Enemy Mine (1985)

Tags

Dennis Quaid, Drama, Enemy Mine, Louis Gossett Jr., Movie, Science Fiction

so i'm covered in all this makeup, and all you have to wear is a fake beard??

PG-13

Dennis Quaid, Louis Gossett Jr.

Jeriba: Do you not remember what you say about Shismar!?
Davidge: Yeah, well maybe you forgot what you said about Mickey Mouse!!

In the distant future, humankind is at war with an alien race over what parts of the galaxy is owned by which race.  Willis Davidge (Quaid) is a pilot who shoots down one of the aliens on an unexplored planet, but Davidge himself crashes there as well.  At first, the two survivors try to kill each other, but eventually bond as they help each other survive while waiting for rescue.

The first thing that jumped out to me about this movie was the lackluster special effects.  I know it was 1985, but when the Star Wars movies had just come out years before, it’s hard not to notice what a step down these effects are from Star Wars.  The sets are also pretty cheap looking, and I never had the sense that I was watching anything but a movie filmed on a Hollywood set.

That would all be okay if the story and dialogue were top notch, but I wasn’t too impressed with those either.  The acting is alright, though Gossett is buried under so much makeup that it doesn’t really matter who played the part of Jeriba, or “Jerry” as Davidge nicknames him.  It’s all by the numbers storytelling of two opposites bonding under trying circumstances.  It also seemed a little contrived that the other humans from his space station wouldn’t immediately go searching for Davidge.  I mean, the planet was right there.  They only find him much much later when it’s convenient to the plot.

The narration by Dennis Quaid is a little awkward, as is the narration by another random guy out of nowhere at the end of the movie.  That seemed like a cheap, late addition designed to help audiences understand what was going on at the end.

There were a few good moments here and there, and as I mentioned, the actors did their best.  I just didn’t think there’s a very interesting story here, and it’s definitely not saved by the visuals.

10 – 2 for by the numbers story – 1.5 for poor special effects/sets – 1 for bad/unnecessary narration + .3 for good makeup = 5.8

Smart People (2008)

Tags

Comedy, Dennis Quaid, Drama, Ellen Page, Movie, Romance, Sarah Jessica Parker, Smart People, Thomas Haden Church

just...people...

R

Dennis Quaid, Thomas Haden Church, Ellen Page, Sarah Jessica Parker

Vanessa: What’s it like to be stupid?
Other girl: What’s it like sitting by yourself at lunch every day?
Vanessa: …It sucks…

Lawrence (Quaid) is a professor who has had to raise two kids alone after his wife passed away.  He is not at all good at interacting with other people due to his pompous, superior attitude, which he has passed down to his daughter Vanessa (Page).  When he suffers a head injury and isn’t allowed to drive himself anywhere, Lawrence’s adopted brother Chuck (Church) moves in and becomes his personal driver.  In the meantime, Lawrence has started to date Janet (Parker), which does not please Vanessa.

A ways into this movie I was thinking it should be called Annoying People, or maybe Miserable People.  There’s a lot of unhappiness on display, and there doesn’t seem to be any real reason for it other than the characters are jerks to each other.  You could assume it’s a family broken by the loss of their wife/mother years ago, but that doesn’t really seem to be explored as the cause.

Thomas Haden Church’s character enters into the scene and seems more likable, but really he’s an irresponsible slacker who forgets appointments to pick up his brother and gives his 17 year old niece pot and alcohol.  Yay.

Also, this movie feels like somebody read the Indie Movie Handbook and followed it step by step.  The characters, the situations, the nearly constant acoustic guitar music punctuating almost every scene.  It all seems a little forced.

For a movie called Smart People, they don’t seem to treat the audience like they’re very smart.  There’s a lot of hand-holding going on.  Making sure we have the back story spelled out, making sure we get why Vanessa is jealous of Janet, etc.  Sometimes it’s good to have a little mystery in your characters actions.

That’s not to say there aren’t bright spots.  The actors all do a good job with their characters, and there are some genuinely funny moments.  It’s not a hard movie to suffer through, it’s just a little predictable, and with the characters not being very likable, I found myself not being too interested in the outcome.

10 – 3 for characters I didn’t care much about – .5 for being predictable – .4 for dull soundtrack = 6.1